The Dirty Deal
Fred Johnson • March 12, 2026
How Survival Set Us Up for Struggle
Saying you had a difficult childhood is harder than most people think. Our brains resist the idea.
Admitting or acknowledging that the people who raised us had struggles, or hurt us intentionally or unententionally, can feel disloyal, frightening, or simply wrong. So instead, many of us make an unconscious agreement early in life that psychologists sometimes refer to as the “Dirty Deal.”
Learning to say “no” to that deal can lead to lasting improvements in daily life and relationships.
- What is it?
The Dirty Deal sounds something like this:
"It is better that I am bad - and others are good,
rather than I am good - and others are bad."
Children instinctively protect their attachment to caregivers. When something feels wrong in the family system, it is often safer for a child to conclude “something must be wrong with me” than to believe that the people they depend on are unsafe. This dynamic is widely discussed in attachment and trauma psychology. For example, Gabor Maté notes that children often protect their connection to caregivers by assuming the problem lies within themselves. Over time, this pattern can extend beyond the family to friendships and social circles as well.
That inner deal can sound like this:
• “I’ll be the responsible one so Mom doesn’t fall apart.”
• “I’ll take the blame so no one else has to face their faults.”
• “If I’m the only one uncomfortable, I must be the problem.”
In other words: I’ll carry the blame for what’s happening around me so I can keep believing the people I depend on are safe and good.
It’s called “dirty” for two reasons:
• The child (you or I) had no real choice in the matter.
• The deal costs them later in life, usually unknowingly.
This deal works in the short term, but costs us greatly in the long run. Psychologists sometimes describe these unconscious agreements as “life scripts” or "implicit rules." They help us survive confusing or painful environments by creating a story that makes the world feel predictable. Unfortunately, survival strategies from childhood don’t always serve us well as adults.
- How the Deal Shows Up Later
The real challenge is that the system doesn’t disappear when we grow up. Many of us continue interpreting relationships through the same lens we learned early in life. Here's a few rhetorical examples:
- A spouse who dismisses your needs, guilts you in conversations, or dominates in decisions. This might feel strangely familiar. Maybe that’s just what love looks like in a marriage?
- A friend who ignores boundaries and constantly drains your time and energy to the point of your suffering, might seem normal. Isn’t that what loyalty means?- A boss who demeans or verbally abuses employees might be excused as “just how authority works.”
Something about those examples should bother us. They’re unfair. They’re unhealthy. And they often rely on the same old agreement: the Dirty Deal. Saying “No” to the deal can feel terrifying. It can feel like you’re about to lose something important—approval, connection, stability. If you’ve ever spent a sleepless night worrying that telling someone “no” might destroy a relationship forever, there’s a good chance you’ve brushed up against this old deal. Welcome to the club.
- How Therapy Often Helps
In counseling, many people eventually begin to recognize three things:
- What deal they made
- What it cost them
- That they can now safely renegotiate
Simply seeing the pattern can be incredibly freeing.
- What to Do Next
Therapy isn’t always accessible right away. Fortunately, there are small steps you can begin practicing that don’t create emotional shock for you or those around you.
1. Begin Recognizing and Expressing Your NeedsMany childhood survival patterns required pushing personal needs aside. A gentle first step toward change is simply acknowledging what you need and expressing it calmly when appropriate. When you do this, you slowly teach yourself that your needs are valid and worthy of consideration.2. Pause Before RespondingOld patterns often lead people to say yes automatically in order to keep peace or avoid disappointment. Practicing a brief pause - such as saying you’ll think about it or check your schedule - creates space to respond thoughtfully instead of reactively. That small delay allows your present-day judgment to guide the decision.3. Start With Small BoundariesYou don’t have to overhaul every relationship at once; small boundaries are a good place to begin. Let someone handle a problem you would normally solve, decline a minor request, or respectfully express a different opinion. These small steps help you discover that relationships can remain stable even when you stop playing the old role.
- Closing the Deal
Sometimes when people pursue counseling, we become overly focused on diagnostic labels—depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma-related disorders.
Those labels can be helpful, but underneath them is something even more universal:
We are human beings shaped by relationships.
None of us are exempt from that reality. So perhaps the invitation here is simple. Give yourself a little room to stop being everything for everyone around you, just to be ok. You don’t always have to burn relationships down in order to grow. Usually turning away from our problems only worsens them. Sometimes the real work is simply learning to renegotiate the old deals you never knowingly signed.
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A Gift Called Grace, a heartfelt reflection on the power of grace in our lives—how it heals, empowers, and transforms us.
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