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The Dirty Deal

Thu, 12 Mar 2026 15:13:35 GMT

How Survival Set Us Up for Struggle

Saying you had a difficult childhood is harder than most people think. Our brains resist the idea.

Admitting or acknowledging that the people who raised us had struggles, or hurt us intentionally or unententionally, can feel disloyal, frightening, or simply wrong. So instead, many of us make an unconscious agreement early in life that psychologists sometimes refer to as the “Dirty Deal.” Learning to say “no” to that deal can lead to lasting improvements in daily life and relationships.

What is it?

The Dirty Deal sounds something like this:

"It is better that I am bad - and others are good,

rather than I am good - and others are bad."

Children instinctively protect their attachment to caregivers. When something feels wrong in the family system, it is often safer for a child to conclude “something must be wrong with me” than to believe that the people they depend on are unsafe. This dynamic is widely discussed in attachment and trauma psychology. For example, Gabor Maté notes that children often protect their connection to caregivers by assuming the problem lies within themselves. Over time, this pattern can extend beyond the family to friendships and social circles as well.

That inner deal can sound like this:

• “I’ll be the responsible one so Mom doesn’t fall apart.”

• “I’ll take the blame so no one else has to face their faults.”

• “If I’m the only one uncomfortable, I must be the problem.”

In other words: I’ll carry the blame for what’s happening around me so I can keep believing the people I depend on are safe and good.

It’s called “dirty” for two reasons:

• The child (you or I) had no real choice in the matter.

• The deal costs them later in life, usually unknowingly.

This deal works in the short term, but costs us greatly in the long run. Psychologists sometimes describe these unconscious agreements as “life scripts” or "implicit rules." They help us survive confusing or painful environments by creating a story that makes the world feel predictable. Unfortunately, s urvival strategies from childhood don’t always serve us well as adults.

How the Deal Shows Up Later

The real challenge is that the system doesn’t disappear when we grow up. Many of us continue interpreting relationships through the same lens we learned early in life. Here's a few rhetorical examples:

- A spouse who dismisses your needs, guilts you in conversations, or dominates in decisions. This might feel strangely familiar. Maybe that’s just what love looks like in a marriage?

- A friend who ignores boundaries and constantly drains your time and energy to the point of your suffering, might seem normal. Isn’t that what loyalty means?

- A boss who demeans or verbally abuses employees might be excused as “just how authority works.”

Something about those examples should bother us. They’re unfair. They’re unhealthy. And they often rely on the same old agreement: the Dirty Deal. Saying “ No ” to the deal can feel terrifying. It can feel like you’re about to lose something important—approval, connection, stability. If you’ve ever spent a sleepless night worrying that telling someone “no” might destroy a relationship forever, there’s a good chance you’ve brushed up against this old deal. Welcome to the club.

How Therapy Often Helps

In counseling, many people eventually begin to recognize three things:

What deal they made
W hat it cost them
That they can now safely renegotiate

Simply seeing the pattern can be incredibly freeing.

What to Do Next

Therapy isn’t always accessible right away. Fortunately, there are small steps you can begin practicing that don’t create emotional shock for you or those around you.

1. Begin Recognizing and Expressing Your Needs

Many childhood survival patterns required pushing personal needs aside. A gentle first step toward change is simply acknowledging what you need and expressing it calmly when appropriate. When you do this, you slowly teach yourself that your needs are valid and worthy of consideration.

2. Pause Before Responding

Old patterns often lead people to say yes automatically in order to keep peace or avoid disappointment. Practicing a brief pause - such as saying you’ll think about it or check your schedule - creates space to respond thoughtfully instead of reactively. That small delay allows your present-day judgment to guide the decision.

3. Start With Small Boundaries

You don’t have to overhaul every relationship at once; small boundaries are a good place to begin. Let someone handle a problem you would normally solve, decline a minor request, or respectfully express a different opinion. These small steps help you discover that relationships can remain stable even when you stop playing the old role.

Closing the Deal

Sometimes when people pursue counseling, we become overly focused on diagnostic labels—depression, anxiety, OCD, trauma-related disorders.

Those labels can be helpful, but underneath them is something even more universal:

We are human beings shaped by relationships.

None of us are exempt from that reality. So perhaps the invitation here is simple. Give yourself a little room to stop being everything for everyone around you, just to be ok. You don’t always have to burn relationships down in order to grow. Usually turning away from our problems only worsens them. Sometimes the real work is simply learning to renegotiate the old deals you never knowingly signed.

I'll Walk With You Through This.

Starting therapy can be difficult. Knowing your therapist wants the best for you helps. I'd be honored to be a part of your journey towards your better tomorrow. Give me a call or book a fre consultation today!

A Gift Called Grace

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Sun, 01 Dec 2024 18:14:16 GMT

Grace creates opportunity.

During the holidays, it is easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of to-do lists, Christmas shopping, holiday family-get-togethers, school programs, office parties, and so much more. While many find great joy in these seasonal celebrations, there’s also a real risk of unhealthy stress, anxiety, and even disappointment with our self and others. For our mental health, it is important to practice giving one of the greatest gifts during the holiday season: the gift of grace.

What is Grace?

Grace can be defined as unmerited favor or kindness. Which means that in nearly all circumstances, it is a gift given, free from requirements or reciprocity. Giving grace means you have not only intended good for the other person, but to yourself as well. Grace sets us free from the burden that a grudge or wound would require us to carry. Practically, it’s about letting go of grudges, resentment, and negative emotions.

Giving grace allows us to mirror the unconditional love of God and recognize the precious gift of life we’ve been handed through countless generations that came before us.

How to Practice Grace This Holiday Season

Here are a few tips on how to practice grace this holiday season:

Let Go of Expectations: Don't expect perfection from yourself or others. Remember that everyone is human and makes mistakes.
Forgive Freely: Let go of grudges and resentment. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself as well as to others.
Practice Empathy: Try to see things from another person's perspective. This can help you to understand their motivations and behavior.
Be Patient and Kind: Be patient with yourself and others. Kindness goes a long way in building strong relationships.
Spend Time with Loved Ones: Focus on spending quality time with the people you care about. This can help to reduce stress and anxiety.

By giving a gift called grace, we can transform the holiday season into a time of healing, love, and renewal. Let's make this holiday season a season of grace.

'Tis the Season!

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Tue, 01 Oct 2024 09:01:33 GMT

Holiday Time-Slippage is Upon Us!

Most of us don’t want to admit it, but the arrival of October signals the official start to the holiday season. Within the next 91 days, there will be everything from spooky lanterns, stuffed turkeys, and sales catalogues arriving in the mail or inbox on the regular. Parties to attend, events to support, and special “once a year” gatherings will all demand our focus and presence. One thing is for certain, If you’re of adult age with even a mild case of responsibility, you will begin to experience what I call, “Holiday Time-Slippage.”

Holiday Time-Slippage is the phenomenon wherein the busier and faster our lives become during the holidays, the less time we have to enjoy the holidays. In trying to do it all, we miss all that we do.

Ok, I’ll admit I made that up. I even googled it to see if it was a thing. It’s not. Perhaps I just made it a thing, but more likely it is just a fun play on words that ends with this blog post. In either case, I think it’s important to be mindful of the changing of the seasons and what those signals for many.

The 16th century produced a carol of Welsh origin we now know as “Deck the Halls.” Within the lyrics, the phrase “‘Tis the season” has become a popular connotation of the holidays in general. Sometimes we use it as a greeting, coping phrase, or in an excusing manner, because after all, “’Tis the season, right?”

What we miss in doing so, is the instructive reply the original lyric provides: “… to be jolly.” To experience a cheerful and happy time.

In talking with people daily about their lives, I am reminded that not everyone enters this season with the hope of joy and jolly nature. Life can be hard. Holidays can bring triggers, those sharp painful reminders. The holiday seasons can be an extremely isolating time for many. We need the care of each other in these times. We need connection. We need people in our life who will laugh and love, who will share a moment. Maybe you are the person able to provide that for another. Maybe you’re the person who needs that.

If I can remind and encourage you today, that in all your seasons upcoming, allow time to simply be jolly.

Enduring Hard Times

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Thu, 01 Aug 2024 14:06:50 GMT

Living Beyond the Stress.

Each year, on the first day of August, I remind myself that we are closer to the end of the month than ever before. Each day after, as sweltering humid heat swarms us here in the south, I am reminded that it is now one day closer to the sweet relief of fall temperatures. I’m not sure how I would fair, if by chance, I believed the rampant heat waves of August would never leave. Thankfully, I know seasons come and seasons go. The dreaded drudgery of a hellacious August will soon be gone. The expounding beauty of fall, with leaves changing and cool breezes blowing, will soon arrive.

Admittedly, this confession of seasonal distaste is a bit melodramatic. Yet, it serves as a practical example of what is known as “tolerable” stress and an adaptive coping response. Types of stress vary, but the three main categories are “good/positive”, “tolerable”, and “toxic” (1). These categories are not concrete or strictly defined by rules and circumstance necessarily. What is “good” stress for one person, may be “toxic” for another. Throughout our lives, the same stressors can change categories multiple times. Stress levels depend on the degree to which a person perceives control over a stressor or situation and whether they have support systems or resources in place to handle the stressor over their lifespan (2). A flat tire one day may be nothing other than a slight inconvenience. Yet on another day, it may represent all the uncontrollable forces keeping you from arriving on time to an important job interview.

An easier way of saying all of this is, when we lose our sense of being (ability to control or make decisions) to a circumstance, we are a susceptible to toxic stress. This is where endurance comes in. I would love to say there is short and simple method to reduce and mitigate all toxic stress in our lives. Unfortunately, this just isn’t so. It doesn’t need to be. Because life, people, the world we live in, are all super complicated. What is important and hopeful: the effects of chronic/toxic stress in the brain and body are responsive to recovery and healing.

Let’s talk about endurance as a helper for stress. Endurance, or the ability to withstand hardship or adversity, can be a simple, but effective tool to transition from toxic stress to tolerable stress. Enduring is a mindset of “thriving despite”. Thriving despite the terrible. Living beyond the hurt or difficulty. Healing to be able to accept good again.

The difference in the stress types is significant. Remember that our perception plays a major role in which is which.

Positive/good stress: normal life challenges such as receiving a promotion, learning a new skill, exercise, or having a child. Here we are allowed goals, enjoy success, and try new things. Choice remains in these.
Tolerable stress is usually non-normative. Examples are loss of a loved one, serious illness, or natural disasters. There is a sense of unfairness in this. Often the choice to feel good is removed or feels wrong to do so. Our choice is questioned here.
Toxic stress is typical adverse and inappropriate. Over time it can carry heavy physical and psychological consequences. All of life is darkened by this. Seeing good is tinted by what we have been through or currently in. We usually feel there is no choice in these. Abuse, intimate partner violence,

Determining in our mind, to endure, withstand, and survive a critically difficult situation can move us from toxic stress to the tolerable type, then eventually the good type of stress. Living to allow good again.

If ever there was a sentence that embodied the old phrase, “easier said than done” ---- that one was it.

Tragically, it seems toxic stress only makes us good at surviving trauma or the terrible. It limits our ability to enjoy or even to see the beauty in a moment. The healing process allows us to be more human than before toxic stress skewed our view of the world. Talking with a counselor can be a critical part of healing. I hope that perhaps today in reading this, you’ve found a tool to help enduring despite what you’re up against.

Notes:

1. https://center.uoregon.edu/StartingStrong/uploads/STARTINGSTRONG2016/HANDOUTS/KEY_49962/TypesofStress.pdf

2. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2864527/

Positive Imagination

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Mon, 01 Jul 2024 16:47:18 GMT

This is a subtitle for your new post

I am a fan of positive imagination. Take a moment to consider this: How much time and effort do you spend in negative imagination (aka: anxiety) vs conceptualizing, visualizing, or simply imagining a positive outcome from the stressors or challenges in your life? Let’s discuss ways to build better thinking habits that contribute to our wellbeing.

Developmentally, we are expected and encouraged to imagine things from an early age. It comes naturally. No one thinks of it as a bad sign of development or neurotic behavior. My favorite quote on this is by Albert Einstein: “The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge, but imagination.” He wasn’t wrong either. There have been many studies on the role of imagination in development and as predictor of cognitive abilities or even future success in children as adults. One thing I’ve noticed in these types of studies is: imagination almost always shows positive results! I can’t remember reading a study where imaginative play amongst kids indicates poor development or long-term problematic outcomes.

Imaginative thinking helps us go beyond the present problem’s possibilities and explore the endless resolutions not currently apparent. Doing so encourages helpful and positive emotional affect.

Yet, in the developmental years, it is not long before we as teenagers and young adults begin to hear things like, “Get your head out of the clouds” or “Stop pretending” or even “Think seriously for a minute.” Whether we want to admit it or not, most adults have transitioned from positive imaginative thinking to a form of negative imaginative thinking called, anxiety. Anxiety is truly the imagination predicting things and playing out the outcome of those bad things.

So I return to my original question: How much time do you spend imagining the worst outcomes or negative situations verses a positive and hopeful future? If the answer is weighted more towards negative, let me give you some tools to try to help your thinking habits.

1. Split the Difference.

Anytime you catch yourself thinking through how something will turn out badly, stop and begin imagining an opposite, positive resolution. Even if at first, the possibility you’ve imagined seems fantastical, continue on for equal effort and time. Try to at first spend at least 50/50 on negative vs positive imagination. You will find quickly that if you have trouble imagining the positive, it will take more time away from anxiety.

2. Find New Solutions.

How often do you attempt to solve the same old problems and stressors with the same old solutions? Many times we do insanity by not stepping out of our grounded way of thinking. The next time you run into a problem you’ve been in before, try stopping and using your imagination for 5 minutes. Perhaps this will feel silly at first, but there’s a good chance your own brain, uninhibited by normal expectations, can create a new approach!

3. Read Fiction Books

Reading, especially fiction, can stretch our imagination and even reintroduce us to the habit of thought. I will admit that I read a lot of non-fiction material and every so often need to stop and just read for fun! Aside from activating our imagination, reading can also free our mind from the present problem, which can bring new insights.

4. Visualize

If “thinking” is your typical way of dealing with things, might I suggest you try a new approach? Create a flow chart, draw a picture that represents your situation, use colors, or even just simply doodle to introduce imagination and possibly better organize solutions.

I hope in reading this, you’ve been inspired to try a new way of dealing with problems! At the very least, challenged to reduce how often you practice imagining the worst outcomes. Either way, take a moment today to imagine what good may happen!

Somewhere in the Middle

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Sat, 01 Jun 2024 23:36:46 GMT

"The difference between a rock and hard place is the potential for change."

June is a transition month here in Tennessee. We go from beautiful spring weather with its own quirks and unpredictability, to the full heat and humidity of summer. In doing so, we also move from the first half of the year to the second half. This is a big change as it seems each year the time it takes to get from January to July grows progressively shorter. Changes in life can be hard. To be transparent, adjusting to the weather changing is about the easiest type of change we must deal with. Transitioning from one stage of life or adjusting to sudden loss, disappointment, new or possibly self-inflicted stressors are typically more challenging. If you find yourself in the middle of change and struggling to adjust, the tool Radical Acceptance might be of help to you!

Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill from Dialectical Behavioral therapy. Radical acceptance is intended to enable us to prevent the momentary pain we might be in, from becoming permeant suffering. My favorite way of framing this concept is, “To accept reality for what it is, while recognizing the need for change.” In other words, allowing ourselves to acknowledge, process, and feel the moment, while remaining aware and hopeful that we will be able to change at some point.

What radical acceptance is not: approval or condoning. It is simply accepting by acknowledging what is.

Here’s some examples of how this can sound in real life:

Situation: You didn’t get the promotion you had hoped for.

Normal response: “That is so unfair. I’ve worked harder than anyone and am way more dedicated.”

Radical Acceptance: “I’m saddened that I didn’t get this promotion but accept that the found someone who they thought was more qualified. I will continue to do my best.”

Situation: A loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Normal response: “I can’t believe this. This shouldn’t be happening. They don’t deserve this.”

Radical acceptance: “This is heartbreaking and I’m not sure how to handle it. I accept that life is going to have to look different.”

This simple tool allows us to tolerate things that we might struggle to adjust to. It is very much a tool for being somewhere between where we wanted life to go and where it is heading. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge what is going on without resistance is freeing. If you are in the middle of something right now that is hard, feel free to try this tool to make the distress of that, more manageable.

If you find that practicing this is helpful, but want more help in the situation you’re in, I encourage you to reach out to a mental health counselor today.

Embracing the Journey

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Wed, 15 May 2024 16:20:12 GMT

“It's the not the Destination, It's the journey.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Arriving at a destination is usually the goal of any road trip. Rarely do we begin a vacation or even drive across town without a reason or a destination in mind. I would suggest that for most of us, we can easily fixate on destinations, accomplishments, or final outcomes. Whether it be a career milestone, personal fitness goals, or social status, we can be easily tempted to constantly look for check-points to know how close we are to our goal. Unlike a road trip or career trajectory, our mental health is not a destination or fixed point. It is certainly not something we arrive at and never have to deal with again. Mental health is a multifaceted and dynamic component of our being. Unlike a destination-driven-goal, we must learn to embrace our journey each day.

To practice embracing our mental health journey, a daily activity is helpful. Here’s what I can recommend to effectively embrace the journey of mental health.

1. List 5 positive and affirming statements regarding your mental health.

For example, “I am open to healing.” “I am capable of learning.” “It is ok to be well.” Or, “I am beginning my wellness again today.”

2. Each day, pick one of your statements and post on a mirror. Then look yourself in the eye, repeating the phrase for 3 minutes. Study the words, your expression, or the sound of your voice as you say this.

3. Reflect on the impact the positive self-talk had afterward on your mood. It's ok to keep a log of this. Rate it on a scale of 1-5 with 1 being no impact and 5 being great impact.

This is a safe and effective way to begin seeing our own mental wellness as a journey and to embrace that as part of life. Rather than enabling feelings of inadequacy and defeat when we are not yet at a perfect destination of mental health, let's embrace the journey as it is. Try this out and who knows, you might prove Mr. Emerson correct that the journey was indeed the destination all along.

Celebrating Mental Health Growth

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Wed, 01 May 2024 17:52:27 GMT

A win is a win. No matter the struggle.

In our ever-increasingly-paced world, progress and victories in our mental health and wellbeing is often overlooked and minimized. Yet, our journey towards mental health wellness is one of personal measure. It is a journey marked by seasons of challenge, self-discovery, and an increasing inner strength. Taking a moment to celebrate our progress and growth is not only important, but also vital to continued growth. The greatest gift we may give ourselves in the pursuit of wellbeing, is the recognition and celebration of mental health growth.

Here's some guiding ideas on how to celebrate mental health growth in yourself:

Reflect on Your Progress : Take a moment to reflect on how far you've come. Consider the challenges you've faced and the obstacles you've overcome. Keeping a journal can be a helpful way to track your growth and reflect on your journey.

Celebrate Milestones : Similar to celebrating a career milestone or achieving a personal fitness goal, celebrate your mental health milestones! Completing a therapy session, trying a new coping strategy, or simply getting through a difficult week, each step forward is worthy of recognition and celebration! Treat yourself to something special or engage in an activity that brings you joy to mark the occasion.

Share Your Story : Sharing your journey of mental health growth can be empowering both for yourself and others. Usually this can help reduce stigma around mental health and provides a genuine connection between yourself and someone you trust. However you may choose to share your story, know that your voice has the power to inspire and uplift others.

Practice Self-Compassion : Be gentle with yourself and recognize that healing is a nonlinear process. There will be ups and downs along the way, and it's okay to embrace both the triumphs and the setbacks as part of your journey. If it was easy, everyone would do it! It takes brave and resilient individuals to look inward with a willingness to grow.

One of my favorite running coach phrases I’ve heard along the ways is, “It never gets easier, you just get better.” Life – health - mental wellness journeys, all are challenging and difficult. If you can learn to celebrate your growth and strength, you will get better. Be kind to yourself. Celebrate every percentile of growth you experience in your mental health. You’re the only one of you and that is special.

Speaking of Flowers

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Tue, 16 Apr 2024 00:41:44 GMT

Beauty is grown.

With the beauty of spring flowers and new growth naturally occurring all around us, I thought I would share some insights on what is required for growth to occur inside of us! Like plants, we require certain things to grow as a person and to improve mental health. Unlike plants, we have certain powers and abilities to select, change, or seek out the conditions for growth. If you’ve been feeling stuck for a while in your mental wellness journey, read on for some helpful tips.

Let’s start with the environment. For any plant to grow, it is partially reliant upon the conditions of the environment. Air and soil temps, moisture and humidity, the amount of direct and indirect sunlight, and even the presence of herbivores in the area all influence what growth will and won’t occur. In us humans, it is good to evaluate: Are we in a growth inducing environment? Do those around me desire good for me? Will other’s pour into my life if needed? Seeking environment that meets your needs can be a critical step in growth.

Second, plants require energy from the sun to grow. The miraculous process of photosynthesis allows plans to draw energy from sunlight and convert that into food and resources. It would be nice if we possessed the photosynthesis process as we could all have lunch breaks on sunny days outside and fill up! We do however have the need of energy to grow. Energy can come from many places and interactions. I encourage people to take notice of anytime an activity or interaction leaves them feeling positively energized, rather than drained. Too often, we give and use energy on things that only absorb it from us. If you want to enhance your growth, seek out intentional activities that return your energy.

Thirdly, nutrients from soil are required in nearly all plant life. Nutrients are the building blocks of life on earth. Humans are no exception. We need the resources and knowledge on how to handle the many varieties of life stressors thrown our way. What you take into your mind matters. Reading books, listening to podcasts, or talking with a trusted advisor or counselor can be critical nutrients to growth!

Finally, water. In plants, water is very often the exact trigger for seed germination and growth. Water is the chemical you and I can’t live without and also can’t have too much of. Water in our life means balance and consistency. When we overindulge in anything, including water, there are risks. One way to initiate growth in our mental health is to find ways to balance in the thoughts or habits that are consuming you. Sometimes talking with a counselor is a great resource for gaining insights on what is delaying growth you seek!

April Showers?

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Mon, 01 Apr 2024 21:46:47 GMT

Know what is and isn't in your control.

At the time of posting this, it is the first day of April and here in middle Tennessee spring has fully begun! We have mild winters compared to many places in the world, but by the time spring finally rolls in, you’d think we middle Tennesseans had just escaped the arctic tundra! We welcome the budding trees and new-growth grasses. We endure the waves of pollen collecting on every imaginable surface everywhere. We recite at least once in the month of April the old proverb, “April showers bring May flowers.” I like to imagine we do this to instill the hope that our long suffering through tornado season and seasonal allergies will be rewarded with brighter days and beautiful flowers.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with hope. I recommend it. The key is, in what or whom we place our hope. Hope in a brighter future is just one antidote for worry about it. Unfortunately, I think we all occasionally fall prey to the mounting pressures brought on by changes in our environment. The hope for May flowers can fail to comfort you when the showers of April coming your way include severe thunderstorms, tornados, or hail. These external stressors can certainly shake our internal peace or rob us of our mental health. A major factor that influences how much stress impacts us and our behavior is the location of what we perceive controls our life.

This perception of the location of what controls our life events is called Locus of Control and was termed by Julian Rotters in 1954. He suggested that what we perceive as the underlying main cause(s) of the events in our lives determines a lot about how we respond to stress and challenges both now and in the future. He categorized two main location types: Internal and external. Here's a very basic summary of his brilliant model: to the extent you believe the location of control for your life lies within you (ex: your actions, attitudes, or decisions), or in external forces (Ex: fate, luck, or God), can have a major impact on your life. Everything from how you cope with stress, to deal with set-backs, or even decision making about your own future.

It is important to note, most people fall somewhere between these two extremes. Externalizers is the term for those who feel like the cause or reason for their problem/discomfort/stress is outside of themself, originating from another person or situation. Internalizers believe they are responsible for they current situation and everything that happens is a consequence of their choices. As you can imagine, neither of these extremes is desirable.

Here's an example:

Event: An email arrives detailing an increased work load without increase in pay.
Externalizer: "This isn't fair! I'm already stressed out and can barely keep up. They just want to drain every ounce of energy I have. Another nail in my coffin!"
Internalizer: "Wow, I must be doing a great job! If I keep this up, they are going to promote me for sure. I've just got to keep it up. I can do it."

Now if you read that and thought, "If only I was able to have that internalizer's attitude!" Let me warn you: for those that carry the responsibility of good and bad on their shoulders, failure becomes personal. A healthy balance of the two is suggested.

No matter where you land on this spectrum of Locus of Control, let me give a helpful tip to encourage you to move more towards the middle. It is a simple phrase, credited to Viktor Frankl, "God determines what we go through. We determine how." You and I are certainly not in control of everything that happens to us in life. No one is able to be good enough all the time to prevent tough situations from happening. We must relinquish our impulse to demand control of it all, while also picking up the responsibility to navigate it. When you are facing unforeseen circumstances, remember this quote. Finding balance in who controls what in your life can be freeing.

Ways to Challenge Yourself

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Fri, 15 Mar 2024 17:54:08 GMT

Growing Through Discomfort is Challenging.

As discussed in my previous blog post, comfort can be problematic when we use it to resist life’s demand for us to be uncomfortable. Comfort can be a form of avoidance. One of the best things you can do for your mental health is to begin to challenge yourself in ways that initiate growth. While it is perfectly healthy and good to seek rest, recovery, and safety, it is also important to know when it is time to embrace the uncomfortable and grow through it. There are many ways to do this, but here are some steps that can help you on your healing journey!

Challenging Yourself for Growth

1. On a piece of paper, list the challenges that are present in your life now that are contributing to your discomfort, stress, or frustrations.

2. Describe why each of those circumstances listed leads to discomfort.

3. List the ways in which you would need to grow to be able to handle each of these challenges better in the future. Call this list the, “Need to Grow” list.

4. Of the “Need to Grow” list, which one would make the biggest difference if accomplished?

- Pick that one and begin to plan how to engage it every day for improvement or growth.

It is at this step many people draw a blank or feel stuck and incapable to change. I find that any measurable action we take towards growth will lead us into more avenues for improving. For instance, you may have read through this and completed the first 3 steps. Then at step 4 you might be thinking, “This guy doesn’t get it. I’ve tried everything. Nothing makes this easier for me.” That is when I would suggest seeking help from a friend or counselor for the area you need help with! By reading this blog, giving it a fair chance, and being honest with yourself, you’ve arrived at a new avenue for improving: seek help to heal and grow. This helps because we are no longer passively coping with the uncomfortable thing in our life but becoming an active participant in change for the good. It's normal to feel uncomfortable about this. Keep challenging yourself for growth. You'll find that the more you do this, the stronger you become and better able to handle hard things.

The Dangers in Comfort

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Fri, 01 Mar 2024 15:58:34 GMT

Since when is comfort dangerous?

Technically comfort is not dangerous in-and-of itself. There are certainly periods of rest and comfort we should seek out and recover in. The challenge is: life is not always comfortable. It wasn’t designed to be. Life can be, and often is, hard and challenging. Mental health wellness can be defined by one’s ability to adapt and adjust to the demands of reality (Cloud and Townsend, 2007). The answer is that comfort becomes dangerous when we resist reality’s demand for us to be uncomfortable. Here are some ideas for you on how to embrace discomfort and adjust to the demands of life.

Embracing discomfort is not a natural thing for us. Naturally, our physical being seeks comfort and safety. Abraham Maslow suggested as early as 1943, a Hierarchy of Needs. At the very foundation is physiological needs (safety, food, shelter, water, clothing, and sleep). These keep us alive physically. We absolutely need them. However, every single one of them is hard and uncomfortable to procure of our own abilities. I’m personally thankful for every modern convenance that allows us to meet these basic needs in ease!

Everything above this foundational “physiological needs” level involves the social and mental comforts. The confusion is that while we “need” these things like safety and security or love and belonging, often the path to obtaining them is difficult. Learning to embrace discomfort can be a huge step towards meeting our needs in very heathy ways.

Want to make more friends and have a close-knit support group? Embrace the discomfort of attending a small group for the first time and being vulnerable.
Want to have a tidy home and organized schedule? Embrace the pain of doing housework and writing out a calendar.
Desire to have a truly peaceful rest in evenings where you can relax and enjoy life? Grind through the difficulties of the day so that the evening time is peaceful.
Want to get help with your mental health? Click that “contact me now” button on the counselor’s website you’ve been eyeing for weeks.

Each of us must embrace the discomfort required to achieve the goal or needs we seek. As soon as we wish for life to be comforting, we no longer are comfortable. When we learn to embrace the uncomfortable, we are comforted as a result.

Life demands of us. Adjusting is key. If you’ve ever had one of “those weeks” you can relate to what I’m about to say: Some weeks are just harder on us than others. Some weeks, you are crushing life and accomplishing everything. Then other weeks, life is crushing and nothing you do seems to go right. If you’ve been through this (or are in one of "those weeks" right now), then let me encourage you. It is in your best interest to acknowledge this and make adjustments. That adjustment will mean different things depending on your personality. For some, a busy week will mean dialing back off of certain extras. For others, a busy week will mean leaning in and working harder to get everything done.

One way you can know how to adjust to life is to ask, “At the end of the day, what decision will I be proud of myself for making?”

Remember, being uncomfortable is not a problem, but resisting reality usually is.

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (2007). Boundaries. Zondervan.com

Creating Routine Healthy Habits

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Thu, 15 Feb 2024 12:00:00 GMT

Have you ever found yourself wanting to start a new healthy habit, but unsure of how to start? Read on for some basic tools to get started!

Beginning new things can often be daunting. But leaving behind old ways of living and replacing them with new health-conscious ways, can be downright overwhelming and discouraging! Don’t believe me? Try celebrating nearly any of our national holidays, your birthday, or a friend’s recent promotion, without consuming highly processed sugars or carbonated beverages. You’ll find that for many parts of our daily life, healthy choices have been routinely swept away.

The challenge then becomes for each of us, to routinely reintroduce healthy habits. Below are 3 ideas on introducing change.

Simplify – Beginning a lifestyle change towards health doesn’t need to be complicated. I often remind my kids, ‘Little habits build big changes.’ The reason I encourage them in this is, I’ve found it to be true! Trying to change everything about your daily routine, all at once, usually leads to a crash.

Here’s what I recommend for initial change:

a. Identify 1 or 2 daily behaviors you’d like to improve.
(Ex. Drink daily recommended amount of water).

b. Write them down clearly and specifically.

(Ex. Calculate: You weight x .5 = Oz per day)

c. Plan your day, week, and events to include this change.
(Ex. Use a refillable water bottle that requires a set number of refills to hit that goals that you carry everywhere)

2. Schedule – One of the more challenging obstacles to change is simply integrating the new into your daily life! One thing that can help with this is to simply get a calendar going and plan our a week or month at a time. There are many ways to do this, but my favorite is to schedule it into my personal phone or exercise app so that reminders are automatically sent to me daily.

My wife prefers to have a monthly calendar running for the whole family and it works really well for our kids to keep track of upcoming events too. When it comes to creating change, “it’s about what works, not what is perfect.”

3. Support – Perhaps the most overlooked resource of creating healthy change in our lives is: other’s support. I believe this resource is invaluable and perhaps one of the best things we can do for our own sense of worth. When we ask another to challenge us, encourage us, and include us, we inherently assign value to both them and you. It takes a healthy relationship with self to ask another for support. So, while it might be hard to begin, I highly encourage asking a friend to support your change effort! =

Remember, with all intentional changes we make, it is about the long-term benefit rather than the short-term feelings. Include in your planning, a period (maybe 45 days minimum) of uncertainty and internal resistance. You might very well not like change. Your body may resist it. Your mood may be altered. You may wish you had not started doing this new healthy habit. These are all normal and a part of change. James Clear says in Atomic Habits, "In the early and middle stages of any quest, there’s often a valley of disappointment." Be prepared and know there is another side of the valley where you’ll thank yourself for investing in your own health.

What Does Healthy Feel Like?

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Wed, 31 Jan 2024 17:44:16 GMT

Understanding 'Healthy' is more than a feeling.

Have you ever stopped to consider what you, personally, feel like when healthy? I’m not simply asking about a momentary feeling of elation or excitement, but rather the enduring and consistent sense of healthiness and wellbeing. This brief blog will provide you with a tool to evaluate and make improvements to your own sense of healthiness!

As we begin, let’s recognize that healthiness looks different on everyone, and that' s ok. The World Health Organization (WHO) defines the word health as, “a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being.” That can create an almost unattainable standard! Let’s learn how you can feel healthy and know you’re doing it well.

Recently I completed one of my long training runs. These usually last longer than 1.5 hours and distances vary based upon pace. The aftermath of this exercise typically brings on a confusing combination of exhilaration and exhaustion. My body tends to know immediately just how demanding that was and complains (often telling me to never do that again). Yet, I do it over and over regardless of what my body tells me. Week after week and mile after mile, I run. My mind tends to push towards the reward of the run and the benefits these bring, while my body tends to remind me of the work required. It is rarer that these two parts align within me. If I only went on a run when I felt like it or felt good enough, I would rarely (if ever) run. I have been tracking my own “pre-run-feel” and “post-run-feel” for several months now via my own made-up Likert style rating scale. Upon reviewing the stats, here are my observable trends:

I most often do not ‘feel’ like running prior to the run or feel content not to do the run.
I consistently feel better upon the completion of a run. Usually this is at least a 2 point gain each time.
My sense of well-being tends to go up as I run consistently over a week. For example, the more I do the hard work of running, my “pre-run-feel” is consistently higher.

What do we learn from this? Honestly, nothing reliable due to the fact I am a research participant of 1 and this is not particularly a scientifically sound approach. Yet, perhaps I’m not so different from most people so we can extrapolate a useful tool from this.

Here is a formula I came up with to evaluate how we ‘feel’ healthy: Relationship to self + Consistent effort + Giving grace = Sense of Healthy

Relationship towards one’s-self: the way you speak, think, or regard your inner being.
Examples – internal self-talk, regarding yourself as equal to others, kindness, etc.

Consistent effort for betterment: Repeated observable or reportable actions towards wellbeing.
Examples – exercise, nutrition choices, self-care, balance, etc.

Willingness to give grace: Forgiving the brutal demands of an ideal self.
Examples – reframing a situation, accepting your effort as enough, forgiving expectations, etc.

Sense of Healthy: The inner reflection of combined efforts towards health and wellness.
Examples – How I feel when I recognize these three components working together in me and celebrate it.

Now take a minute and try to feel “healthy” without one of these factors. The absence of one or an imbalanced score in any one of these results in lowered feeling of healthy.

Feeling healthy requires us to make positive and real decisions daily, speak kindly to ourselves internally, and give forgiveness to what we had demanded of ourselves, and then praise ourselves for doing good!

The journey to feeling healthy begins with deciding which of these areas you’ve neglected and begin giving it the attention it needs to improve. If you want help progressing in your journey to health, give me a call today to get started.

Capturing Joy in the Holidays

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Tue, 19 Dec 2023 17:02:09 GMT

Holidays can be magical and full of joy. Many of us have fond memories of waking to mornings full of joy and exciting Christmas mornings, loving family events, or even ‘get togethers’ with friends around the holidays.

The holidays can also be a difficult time of grief, sorrow, and resentment. No matter what life has presented to you, retain your ability to choose how you go through the Holidays. Here’s some helpful techniques to strengthen your joy.

1. Bring joy to others.

With willful intent, begin to focus on how you might brighten someone else’s day. A lot of our own internal suffering can be alleviated by focusing on another’s well-being and enjoyment. Find ways to give, show kindness, send a caring note, call a friend to say hi, send a quick text, or visit someone you’ve not seen in a while. Little does more to improve our joy than to bring it to another.

2. Good care of self.

Exercise, eating well, and sleep habits are seriously cheat codes for how you will feel each day. We all perhaps know this but need to be reminded that in times of known stress, give yourself the best start possible. Drink plenty of water, avoid sugars, and practice a bedtime routine throughout the holidays.

3. Practice peace.

When you are faced with a situation or memory that would steal your joy, practice guarding your thoughts, your expression to others, and involvement with those things. A very smart man once said, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1 NIV) It takes practice to bring peace by turning over our right to retaliate.

4. Give space to grieve.

The need to grieve during the holiday would appear contradictory to joy. I will advocate that giving yourself (and others) permission and space to grieve can flourish joy. Grief is our natural reactions to real and perceived loss. We need grief as much as we want joy. When grief is expressed, joy then has room to show up.

Giving yourself permission to make these a priority during the holidays can free you to enjoy the season where sorrow has robbed you in the past. I pray you will find joy in this holiday season and that a blessed year will follow.

Courage

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Mon, 09 Oct 2023 17:27:44 GMT

Courage: The applied choice to act in the face of fear, for good.

Courage is not bravery alone or the ability to be strong. It is the decision to act for the good, despite the real threat or perceived danger we face in our lives. When it comes to our mental health and growth as a person, courage pierces the hopeless barriers we face. It’s important to remember, that courage must be trained, and it usually begins by facing small challenges that feel intimidating. Here’s some ideas to help you, or someone you’d like to encourage, utilize this precious skill.

Face the fear.

Do you know which fears exist in your life? Are you willing to place the term ‘feared’ on a task or decision you need to make? Allowing ourselves the insight to admit that something is causing us fear, then gives us the ability to face it.

Avoidance allows any uncomfortable or unwanted circumstance to worsen.

Rather than follow an old impulse to avoid or ignore, try instead to admit what you are up against, while practicing fear management.

Hold the line.

It isn’t often we have to charge into the darkness to defeat some lurking enemy. Courage in our day is doing what we know to be good for us, our family, our community, despite the threats or discomforts that would stop us.

When you don’t know how to conquer something or deal with a problem, can I suggest you just stand firm in your routine, building disciplines, or healthy habits? Doing what works is a better choice than stopping all together.

Compassion

If ever a hero were to stop and begin to criticize themselves for the fear they did have during an adventure, you and I would probably not hear of them as a hero. Understand that everyone has fears, doubts, and insecurities. Those who practice courage don’t let those automatic negative thoughts stop them. Give yourself the gift of compassion. Tell yourself daily a version of, “I’m doing hard things. I’m facing real fears. I’m doing what is good. Keep it up.”

We might not have a cheerleading squad following us around, but you can learn to give yourself a break from fear, doubt, and uncertainties by practicing compassion. Talk to yourself like you would a friend and watch your courage get stronger.

How to Reduce Symptoms of Depression

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 14:25:33 GMT

Depression.

Just reading that word can feel yucky. As if it might jump off the screen and infect you! Especially if you’ve ever felt the sticky draw of depression towards a low irritable mood, lack of motivation, lack of interest in things, lack of energy, or feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness so common with depression. Too often, by the time someone realizes they might be depressed, they already feel stuck in it and doubt that life can be different. Here are some ways to minimize the impact depressive symptoms can have on our life.

Plan For the Cycle

It may seem like depression is random and unavoidable. You may feel powerless to the sinking feelings or the impending guilt you've come to recognize as the start or signal of a depressive episode. Thankfully however, depression is somewhat predictable in the basic pattern or course it will follow. For most people, there is not a specific starting point of depression. That is how it can feel as random as the wind and seemingly come out of no-where.

Here's a way of looking at the cycle:

Knowing this basic pattern can empower us to quickly pinpoint where we are at and choose helpful actions to reverse it. If you can identify where you are in this cycle, you can plan for what will come next and choose how to best prepare or support yourself.

Reverse the Cycle

Reversing the cycle is key. While the cycle of depression seems hopeless and inescapable, there is hope and you can escape. As soon as you feel yourself in this cycle, the simplest thing to begin is to reverse the cycle. While this can feel like an insurmountable task at times, just know that by not continuing the cycle of depression, you are already doing the good work.

Here's what this can look like:

The important thing to note is that the reverse cycle also has no starting point. At any point you may find yourself able to begin. I encourage you to do so. If you recognize an improvement in energy, mood, or hope, channel that into a productive and helpful activity. Then allow hope to grow. You’ll notice that reversing depression requires a mixture of desire, compassion, educated effort, and patience. Also note that simply doing a positive activity without allowing guilt to fade and hope to grow, may stop the reversal of depression.

Compassion Kindles Confidence

One of the single best things you can do to help stop and reverse cycles of depression is to practice compassion towards self.

- Guilt, harshness, or a critical voice does not lift someone from their low mood -

Compassion, caring, and accepting is a much more efficient means of healing depression than critique.

Begin to practice compassion towards yourself in every effort. Normalize the negative or low feelings, self-doubt, or dark and cloudy feelings as symptoms of depression and not “just how you are.” Praise yourself or someone you love, for every effort to move from these depressive states. Knowing that there is more to you than how you feel, can give the confidence to keep on when you really don't feel like it.

Managing Stress

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Fri, 12 May 2023 14:33:31 GMT

Identify, Redirect, and Plan

Perhaps one of the more mysterious ailments of modern life is the varying effects of stress on our being. One of the most used phases in my office is some version of, “I’m so stressed about that.” So how can we identify stress, manage it, and reduce its impact on us? Read on for some simple and effective tools.

Here's a wonderful quote that enables us to begin to understand and manage stress:

“Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” – Joan Borysenko

Let me offer you a tool I use with clients to help understand, control, and change stress levels in life. Just know this takes practice! Let’s start with a definition of stress:

Stress is the perceived resistance to a desired goal.

Stress can, and does, come in different forms such as physical, emotional, mental, environmental, or situational). Stress is all the internal, external, imagined, real, or threatening indicators that the way you wish or need something to be, isn’t going to happen.

The more crucial a desired goal, the higher the stress levels you may experience per resistance. For example, if you are staking your entire career’s success upon arriving on time for a pivotal job interview, any bump in the road that slows your driving may very well induce a disproportionate amount of felt stress. As compared to simply driving to get groceries with no required timeline. The more important something is to you, the higher the level of stress you may experience.

If you’d like to begin practicing stress management, here are a few simple steps to help.

1. Identify the Actual Goal

What is it you actually want to have happen? What do you feel should be different? What are you trying to accomplish in a given moment or task? Sometimes it really helps to dig a little deeper on what we are working on that stresses us! I've color coded these examples so pick a color example and see if this will work for you.

Examples:

a. Perceived goal: Host a fun holiday party with friends.

Actual goal : Make sure everyone feels happy.

b. Perceived goal: Get to the appointment on time.

Actual goal : Control how other’s see me.

c. Perceived goal: Be a great parent.

Actual goal : Be a perfect parent.

2. Redirect as Needed

Once you have determined what the actual goal you are aiming for, you are then free to decide if it is a goal you’d like to keep working towards. Perhaps you can allow yourself to completely redirect to a healthier and achievable goal, that is also within your control.

Examples:

a. Actual goal: Make sure everyone feels happy.

Healthy goal : Show love and kindness during the party.

b. Actual goal: Control how other’s see me.

Healthy goal : Be safe and grateful for a safe drive.

c. Actual goal: Be a perfect parent.

Healthy goal : Invest in the relationship with my children.

3. Plan for Resistance

It should never surprise us that gravity exists. Gravity is a constant. Stress will be a constant unless you can anticipate and counter it. To help reduce stress, plan for it. Know what your actual goal in a situation is, decide if that is even healthy or realistic, then plan and accept when you feel yourself stressing over things completely out of your control.

Examples:

a. Healthy goal: Show love and kindness during party.

Resistance: Other’s feelings are out of my control.

b. Healthy goal: Be safe and grateful for a safe drive.

Resistance: I will feel urgency when late.

c. Healthy goal: Invest in the relationship with my children.

Resistance: There will be moments I am annoyed.

Remember, everyone experiences stress a little differently and how to deal with it can look very different. Find what helps you and do more of that, but if you are stuck in your ways, try reaching out for help from a professional who can walk along beside you.

How to Find a Counselor (That Fits You)

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Mon, 10 Apr 2023 16:11:31 GMT

What kind of counselor fits your needs?

It is no small thing to pursue counseling for our mental health and overall wellbeing. Most don’t want or expect to ever need counseling. This is similar in how we would rather not need to visit a doctor or deal with a health crisis. Unfortunately, we are never more than a phone call away from needing counseling. Tragedy, trauma, triggers, and life complications can come crashing down in a moment, uninvited. When that happens, it can be an overwhelming process to try and find a counselor, know if you can trust them, or even if they are the right fit for your needs.

While I wouldn’t attempt to write an exhaustive list, here are some tips and questions to ask that can help you narrow your search and feel more confident in the process of finding a counselor.

1. Ask someone you trust.

One of the best places to begin your search is to talk with someone you know and trust to recommend a counselor. Close friends, your doctor, and pastoral staff can be great referral sources. I think it makes the whole process a little easier if you trust the person referring you wants good for your life.

2. Utilize search engines.

Even with a recommendation, (but especially without one) I suggest doing a bit of research on the counselor you are considering. Psychologytoday.com, healthgrades.com, nbcc.org, or simply searching for their website is a great way to read about and learn what makes a counselor a good fit for your needs.

3. Ask about qualifications and experience.

Believe it or not, most counselors are great people who are happy to answer your questions. I would encourage you to ask, “What are your qualifications? What is your licensure and what does that mean? Do you have any experience with this?”

Obviously, no single counselor has “Seen it all.” What is helpful to hear from a prospective counselor is, “I’m willing to listen and understand. I’ll learn with you and be a safe person to explore this difficulty. Together we can work to reach your goals.”

4. Plan your goals for counseling.

Getting ready to go to counseling means, realizing there is a need for it. It can be very helpful to list what you need from a counseling experience and then use that to guide your search. This can be an emotionally triggering process, so be gentle with yourself and share those needs when you’re ready.

5. Ask for a consultation.

Many counselors offer a free consultation prior to scheduling a first session. This is a great opportunity for you to get a feel for their personality, ask lots of direct questions, and get a feel for if you and they may be a good fit. Pay attention to your own responses to the counselor. Did you feel comfortable in their presence? Did the counselor listen well? Did you want to keep talking?

Since most of the success in counseling is due to the relationship quality between counselor and client, its important to find someone you can talk with easily.

Remember, no one was meant to do life alone. You don’t have to face the challenges life brings by yourself. If you’d like someone to walk with you today, feel free to contact me and we can discuss how counseling might fit your needs.

Thought Life

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Mon, 27 Mar 2023 14:36:53 GMT

“As soon as we wish to be happier, we are no longer happy.”
- Walter Savage Landor

A powerful influence on most individuals’ mental health involves what we can call “Thought Life”. Thought life is the health of your mind in perceiving, processing, and adapting to the world around you and in relation to it. Thought life is highly complex in its formulation, modification, and impact in our being. The challenge for many is not noticing when thoughts turn negative, hurtful, or unproductive towards themselves (or others). A healthy thought life can accurately describe the situations we face without ascribing undue fault to ourselves or others. The good news is that our thought life can be improved with even a little effort! Read on for some ideas on improving thought life.

1. Affirmation of Intention .

Take a few moments to write out a statement of intention for your day. This is something that you read over each morning as you begin your day. A key component of healthy thought life is to live and think intentionally and with purpose. Writing out an affirmation of intention can help prime your mind for healthy thinking. Here’s a short example that you can modify and make your own, or completely rewrite to fit your goals.

“Today I will make a conscious effort to live without assumption or judgment. I will allow God to show me whatever he has in store for me today. I will endeavor to give grace and compassion to myself and others in everything I do.”

2. Gratefulness

There is nothing like being ungrateful to rob you of your peace. Practicing gratefulness restores it. This activity is rather simple and easy to use anytime needed. Think of at least ten things you are grateful for in your life, listing them on paper (or the notes section of your phone). Then spend a few moments on each item to reflect on how your life is enhanced and enriched by that thing. The more you practice gratefulness, the easier it becomes. Take it up a step by telling someone directly, “Thank you” for one of the items on your list.

There are many methods to improve our thought life. These are just two simple and effective forms. For further help and resources, it is helpful to talk with a counselor. We can spend the time needed to understand your inner being and allow healing to the whole of self. If you or someone you know would like to know more, feel free to email me fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com or call 615-796-6194 to set up a free 15 minute consultation to see if counseling would be a good fit for you.

Seesaw Relationships

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Wed, 15 Mar 2023 16:11:18 GMT

“We’ve certainly had our ups and downs.” - anonymous couple

Remember those mini catapults we used to play on as kids? Technically they were called seesaws but depending on how you used (or misused) them, they could be formidable. I’m not even sure if they are still common on playgrounds! If we’re willing however, they can teach us a lot about relationships.

As kids, a well-matched partner on a seesaw could allow both individuals to experience a thrilling and fun-filled occasion that is simply impossible alone. However, the wrong partner could be torture for one or both kids! Many injuries have been sustained from a seesaw used recklessly. These exact things are also true about marriage and relationships in adult life.

I would guess few of us desire to be in a marriage that constantly feels like a misused seesaw, bouncing up and down at random or being stuck in the air or weighted down on the bottom. Here are a few concepts you can take and apply in your relationship to improve it, bring balance, and return to joy.

1. Marriages are as healthy as the members.

I like to think of marriage and relationships as living entity composed of two parts: you and your spouse. The health of the marriage will be reflection of those two parts. This doesn’t mean both have to be perfect, but it is unfair to expect your marriage to somehow be healthier than you yourself are on an individual level. To improve your marriage or relationship, start by becoming as healthy as you can physically, emotionally, spiritually, and especially mentally. This effort will translate into the marriage.

2. Balance is Key.

For relationships to flourish, there must be equal input from both partners. Just like a see saw, if only one person is trying, neither have fun. Talk with your spouse or partner, define one limited goal or project, then discuss how to equally work towards it. If you notice an imbalance in effort or priority, stop and talk about it before you just keep trying to accomplish the goal. This can help you learn to communicate when the topic is much bigger and emotional to both of you.

3. Communication changes everything.

Like a seesaw, healthy communication occurs in turns: one person speaks and sends information, and the other listens attempts to understand the information. Then the roles reverse. Anytime this process stops, you’re no longer communicating. Having a conversation with your spouse to establish this principle can be life changing.

It is normal to experience highs and lows in any marriage, in fact, I would suggest it is perfectly healthy. The challenge is learning how to expect the highs and lows, embrace them, and participate fully together. Jumping off the seesaw typically hurts both people and both lose. Whether you’ve been married for many years or are planning your marriage as you read this, consider taking time to invest in the health of your relationship’s future.

Problem Solving 101

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Thu, 02 Mar 2023 10:59:20 GMT

Finding Solutions in Unexpected Ways

Who doesn’t love a good challenge? Challenges can be an exciting part of life. Until of course, there isn’t a perceived solution to said challenges. Then, the very same challenges can become burdens or problems. When that happens, it is helpful to have a plan. Here are three options to handle or solve problems effectively AND that do not lead to misery or pointless suffering.

Option #1: Fix the problem

This option seems simple enough. If you face a problem, assess whether you can reasonably fix or resolve it. Then work to do so. Set your objective, develop a plan or timeline on how to meet that objective, and then pull the needed resources to do so and begin.

For most of us, this is how we would like to handle all problems. However, not all problems can be fixed. When this happens, trying to fix it might just be insanity! Learn to recognize when to leave this option and consider one of the following.

Option #2: Change the way you think about the problem

Ever had to compromise? Compromising is a form of altered expectations and realized standards. It is also a change in the way you considered a solution to a desire. This is one way of changing the way you think about a problem, by altering your expectations of the whole situation or the resolution needed.

Changing the way you think about a problem is empowering because it allows you to redefine the problem or situation. A great example would be deciding on a different ice cream flavor if your favorite is sold out. You can rage, complain, or walk out of the ice cream shop, but deciding that an alternate flavor is better than no ice cream allows you to accept reality and adapt. Plus, you still get ice cream! If this option doesn’t fit your situation (because sometimes it doesn’t), then let’s consider our last option.

Option #3: Acceptance

This is perhaps the least favorite option for most and it has the broadest range of definition. Remember, we use this once we have not been successful in trying to fix a problem or change the way we think about it. An easy way to think of acceptance is to remind yourself, if you are still trying to fix it, you are not accepting it and thus back into misery. Far too often, it is our own desires or ideas of how a situation should be that causes us pain, then actually the situation itself.

Acceptance is the process of allowing yourself to be present with the way things really are, rather than striving to make things different. Practicing acceptance doesn’t mean that you like or condone a circumstance. It is simply acknowledging what the circumstance is without trying to “fix” it. Try saying acceptance statements such as, “There is no other way this has to be right now” or “This (problem) will pass, and I will be ok.” Practicing acceptance is sometimes the avenue for change in our lives. When we accept ourselves or a situation, our self is then free to grow and change by no longer devoting our resources to changing the thing(s) we cannot.

If you read through this and would like a supportive voice to help navigate problems in your life, contact me to get started.

When to Go to Counseling

fred@fredjohnsoncounseling.com (Fred Johnson) — Sat, 18 Feb 2023 18:14:52 GMT

If you stumbled across this blog post, chances are, you may be in the process of considering counseling for yourself or a loved one. Perhaps some of the most common questions someone asks themselves or others is: When is it the right time for me to go to counseling? How can I know I need it? What if there’s nothing wrong with me, could counseling still help? Let’s take a quick look at answering these together.

When is it the right time for me to go to counseling?

If you’re unfamiliar with the process of counseling, a general rule of thumb is: When you are considering it. From talking with my clients, I’ve learned it is fairly common to have counseling suggested by a friend or family member, but often it is weeks or months later until that person actually considers looking for a counselor. Counseling works best when you are a willing participant and seeking help for issues you’ve realized you could use help with.

How can I know I need it?

I like to think of it this way, if you could resolve the issue you’re facing within your own resources, you would have already done it.

Think about that just for a moment. How often in life have you struggled with a problem, a painful memory, or a difficult life circumstance that seemingly kept repeating itself despite your best efforts? Counseling can offer new resources by taking the time to understand you, the challenges you’re up against, and how help yourself break free from old patterns.

What if there’s nothing wrong with me, can counseling still help?

There is a big misconception that counseling is only for those with “real” mental health problems. Let’s break that stereotype. Counseling is for anyone who desires to improve their well-being. Think about how backwards it would be for us to say, “Medical doctors are only for those with a critical condition” or “Lawyers are only for someone in a legal battle.” Mental health counseling has the capacity to enhance our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. So put simply, if you want to feel better, enhance your life, strengthen your relationships, or just get an unbiased outside voice on your situation, counseling can help.

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